Wasting time.

Many years ago, before marriage, before becoming a mom, and before even having a website, I was working with a coach. I’ve had my share of them. And coaches - like wellness - have a spectrum. A spectrum of crazy. And I can say that because I’m one of them and clearly, my goal is to be on the less crazy side.

Although this particular coach had her shit together, she did ask me a lot of really annoying questions that I HATE answering that make everything feel and sound so hokey and obvious and like I wanted to run away (like how role-playing feels, if you’ve ever had to practice that for a job). A lot of coaches use this method to get to your “why” and it drives…me…nuts.

Things like:

What keeps you up at night?

What’s your biggest pain point?

What’s holding you back from what you really want? But what is it really?

Who is your target market? What does she look like? What is she wearing?

OMG, I can’t. But at one point she did get through to me and I remember telling her about the sheer anxiety I constantly felt about my “business” and its lack of success. I had been working on growing my business with Mary Kay for the 10 years leading up to this time (which I had recently let go of upon my move to LA), and had my certification as a health coach for just a couple of years. I also had a day job that (almost) paid my bills and always had a side gig that would eventually allow me to have freedom, flexibility, and a full bank account. Always.

And yet, I was regularly getting in my own way. That part of my journey is so long, you’ll be hearing a lot more about it soon, trust me.

This anxiety, however, stemmed from years of self-help books, motivational speakers, and listening to million-dollar sales directors and business strategists ON COMPACT DISCS in my car telling me the following:

It will happen when you want it badly enough.

Don’t watch tv. Read.

Hustle more. Don’t rest.

Don’t quit.

Don’t look side to side.

Don’t put negativity out there.

Fake it ‘til you make it.

And I developed a complex that if I wanted certain things in life, I couldn’t waste ANY time. And that’s when I told my coach, “I’m terrified of wasting time.” I didn’t want any more time to go by in which I could be getting more clients, working harder at my marketing, growing my business, practicing more, improving my knowledge, or reading something that would for sure make me “better” in some way.

I became really stressed out about taking time to relax. I learned over the next several years that this was something I created in my own mind, a perspective, a way of looking at things, an opinion. Not a fact. This was not a universal belief system and it was likely something I could change.

I felt like every part of my day needed a purpose, even if that did include tv time or time to lounge, it needed justification. It should be scheduled and balanced throughout the day with self-improvement, eating well, exercising, catching up with friends, work, etc. I resented friends or family who were able to just “sit” the eff down and veg out, or binge-watch a show for a weekend, or just go out and party when, clearly, there was work to be done given the state of my bank account.

I yearned for balance so badly.

Years later, as my family was formed and I healed from so much of the masculine energy that fueled my previous beliefs about my work, this concept still creeps up in my day to day life.

It’s hard for me not to judge others who enjoy simple pleasures like couch or tv time when there are THINGS TO BE DONE. I cannot sit in stillness, except maybe in yoga. I’m working on that. But at home, I have laundry and dishes to do, books to read, classes I could be taking or blogs I could be writing.

The last few weeks of winter/holiday break were a great example of this. I was constantly thinking I “should” be doing more. I should be writing a new wellness course and free download for the new year. I should be reading instead of watching tv. I should be listening to a podcast instead of music. I should be working on our family photo album. I should should should should should.

But is that really wasted time? Or is that mindfully choosing what I do with my time? Who am I really fighting with inside my head that keeps telling me that I should be doing more? Who is to say that reading a book is better for me than watching a Netflix series?

I know that reading more, journaling, and meditating are all positive, mindful, and healthy activities. That’s why I prioritize them. But I also have decided that there is space in life for pleasures, especially those that don’t cause harm. A few shows together on the couch with my family? Good. Binge-watching all weekend? Probably not. 1-2 occasional glasses of wine? Fair. Drinking a bottle of wine every night? Probably not.

Finding your own balance isn’t always as obvious as it sounds. Sometimes it takes some serious self-reflection and honesty to step back and accept what needs to change, what needs to be let go of, and what is really, truly, just fine to have as a part of your life.